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Many women are interested in knowing how they can predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is not a "typical victim " or "perpetrator". Any woman can be battered, regardless of age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Battering usually occurs between a man and a woman partner. However, violence can exist in other domestic relationships as well; lesbian battering and older parents beaten by their adult children are examples.*

Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners. If the person has several (three or more) of these behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence – the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). In the beginning these behaviors can be "explained" by the batterer as love and concern. However, as time goes on these behaviors become more severe and serve to establish, keep, and strengthen power and control over the victim.

*To facilitate reading, there are places within this at which the word "he" is used to name the role of the abuser. This wording is not meant to discount the various situations in which domestic violence occurs.

• JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question his partner about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for his partner’s safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if his partner is "late" coming back from the store or elsewhere and will question her closely about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let his partner make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

• QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to," "I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser will pressure his partner to commit to the relationship in such a way that later she may feel very guilty or that she is "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship.

• UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects his partner to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need – you’re all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home.

• ISOLATION: The Abusive person tried to cut off his partner from all resources. If she has men friends, she’s a whore; if she has women friends, she’s a lesbian; if she’s close to her family, she’s "tied to the apron string." The abuser accuses people who are supportive to his partner of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let his partner use the car (or have one that’s reliable), or may try to keep her from working, going to school, or church.

• BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him, someone is always doing him wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame his partner for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell his partner that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

• BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser will tell his partner, "You make me so mad," You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels but will use feelings to manipulate his partner. Less obvious are claims that "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."

• HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he’s really mad, or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen – things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.

• CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: This is a person who kills or punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things that are way beyond their ability (such as, whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper) or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home.

• "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw his partner down and hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where his partner is helpless and will let her know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether his partner wants to have sex or will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with his partner while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

• VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades his partner, cursing her, running down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell his partner that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking his partner up to verbally abuse her and not letting her go to sleep.

• RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser expects his partner to serve him, perhaps saying that she must stay at home, or that she must obey him in all things- even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

• DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser’s "sudden" mood changes – they may think that the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute the abuser is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their parents, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

** The following four signs are found in those who are indeed batterers.

• PAST BATTERING: An abuser may say that he has hit women in the past but it was the woman’s fault, or that it was the only time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if she is with him long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

• THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman – "I’ll slap your mouth off." "I’ll kill you." "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats, saying that "everybody talks like that."

• BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize his partner into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near his partner. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior – not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is a great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

• ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold his partner against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me!"